Three of the most gunning…I’m coming for you… fighting words are, “You Need To”!
Nothing conveys talking AT someone like the words, “You need to…”. I find it fascinating how many parents, partners and bosses use these three little words in succession thinking that it will produce the outcomes they desire.
Few things provoke internal rebellion more than these 3 words. Our 16 year -old rebellious brain screams, “ I don’t need to… fill in the blank ( clean my room, take out the trash, stop playing video games, or do that report now).
What people really mean when they start sentences with YOU need to, is “I want you to do ___ or stop doing ___, whatever their desire might be.
This really becomes offensive and even cruel when it’s applied to things like, “You need to get over your grief, or you need to get over that break up.”
When did we stop owning our own thoughts, feelings, desires or needs? Because that is what is occurring when we tell others what they need to do or not do. For some, this language is born straight from the family of origin where one or both parents frequently spoke, “You Need To” language. Others may feel more in control as they convey to someone else what they need to do, or they lack the courage to be more vulnerable to simply share what they need.
It is difficult to break this kind of modeling especially when we have heard it our whole lives and we don’t have awareness how this really affects us or others. It can also feel challenging to learn to become more straightforward- to risk asking for what we really want or need.
Conversely, when we understand or are at least curious about how more effective communication fosters trust, respect and connection, we are often more motivated to learn and practice owning our own thoughts, feelings and needs.
We can then move into the realm of asking for what we need in a more effective way. Our language then begins to reflect the shift… I have a need, I am aware of my need, and I can practice asking for it in a straightforward manner.
We can use other phrases that allow us to talk WITH someone, instead of AT them, which will feel wildly different to our listener.
One idea is to replace those original 3 words with 5 new words such as “ I would like it if…”
I would like it if… you would take out the trash before dinner…
I would like it if… you cleaned your room by Saturday evening.
I would like it if… you gave me some hugs and showed me affection in public
I would like it if … you prioritized this report so that I have it by 4p tomorrow…
People can hear those requests. And it keeps their 16 year -old rebellious brain in nap mode. They can hear that this is something you are desiring, versus it registering as an unwanted demand.
Only when we shift our language to reflect our desire to strengthen trust, psychological safety and connection will we then see our relationships, both personal and professional really blossom.
Let’s put “You Need To” to bed like… You Need To give it a proper burial. Gone and forgotten, never to be said again.
I would like it if you did that.
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