This blog may offend you. Or you might ignore and disregard it- or only take part of it seriously- which is actually part of the problem we’re addressing. My hope is that you might read all the way through and acknowledge any discomfort you may feel while reading.
This blog is written to help you challenge your thinking. And sometimes being challenged is uncomfortable.
We humans are prone to a few pitfalls in our thinking. These pitfalls can have far reaching consequences in terms of our life satisfaction, our health, our relationships and even our country.
So, what are some common pitfalls in our thinking?
1. We Stop Questioning. When we stop questioning important things; issues, people, situations, events etc. we can often miss or overlook important details that might influence how we” color” events ,i.e., assign meaning to that event, person, or situation. When we stop thinking after we find the “fact”, or thing that we believe to be true, we will thwart our ability to be curious and engage in more fact finding or truth finding.
2. We stop being Curious. This phenomenon leads to number one-where we stop asking questions. When is the last time you spent time with a child? They are inquisitive about nearly everything. They want to know how things work and they want to know why, much to the chagrin of many parents who tire of the incessant inquiries. The reality is we ought not ever stop being curious! The more we stay curious about things, people, events, etc. the more life satisfaction we can experience but also the more negative consequences we can avoid.
3. We Stop Thinking and Settle on a Conclusion that May or May Not be Accurate.
This is significant in that if we only latch onto a certain bit of information, then make our assessment ( should I be in this relationship? Should I vote for that candidate?) based only on one piece of the puzzle and the conclusion we’ve drawn, we may miss out on some really important additional information. If my conclusions are not accurate, that can lead to distress in relationships. Additionally, it can lead to mayhem and distress for our country if we are voting based on inaccurate conclusions.
4. We Think with Our Bias Hat On; Our Biases Determine Our Thoughts and Actions.
For example, someone who is single and looking for a partner might believe that all teachers are good and kind, so when they begin to date a teacher they ignore the warning signs of controlling or abusive behavior because they have selectively disregarded those behaviors since they don’t “fit their story.” This can cause us to choose or stay in unhealthy relationships. You might stay under the care of a physician who is not helping with preventative care or even getting well, but rather continuing to write prescription after prescription instead of looking at the potential root causes of our ailment or disease. In the bigger picture, sticking with a candidate because we believe he or she is “for us” or believes strongly in the one issue we feel strongly about,( while we disregard strong evidence about the bigger picture of who they really are) is another way we act from our biases.
5. We Allow Ourselves to Believe Something Just Because We’ve Heard it Over and Over Again. We often fail to consider the source of the messaging. This can be profound as those who are deeply wounded, sociopathic, narcissistic, and /or abusive will bombard us with messaging that suits them and their agendas. Studies have shown, when groups of prisoners were asked, “how many of you were told you would amount to nothing?” nearly every hand goes up. Why? Because we all have a brain that is hard wired to believe what we hear repeatedly WHETHER OR NOT IT IS TRUE, ACCURATE OR BENEFICIAL. People who are highly manipulative know this which is why we also hear certain political figures try to shove misinformation down our throats. They repeat lies and damaging misinformation because it works to do so in far too many people.
6. We think Feeling and Thinking are the Same. If we are in a relationship with someone who mistreats us but tells us they love us and we love them, then we may choose to hold onto the “feelings of love” and ignore the mistreatment. Feelings are feelings. They just are. They are not right, or wrong. In fact, they give us clues we OUGHT to pay attention to. What we ought not do is make decisions solely on how we feel. Feelings are important and we do best to pay attention to them. In the world of choosing our leaders- that can be who we work for, who we vote for etc. we need to remember it’s not just about how we feel- We need to look at the hard evidence of who this person really is and what they are capable of.
7. We Fail to Believe Someone When They Actually Show Us Who They Are.
Once we’ve already decided about a person, a relationship, a job, or a political candidate, we will often discount, minimize, rationalize, or deny any information that contradicts our decision. Whether it is our ego, our insecurity, our need to “be right” or save face, fear and/or our need to control, any of those often keep us stuck in our thinking. Other times what we hear from someone is so outlandish or crazy making, we think certainly that person is exaggerating… so we minimize the damage they are capable of inflicting personally, in our workplaces, or in our country.
8. We Tell Ourselves a Story and We Won’t Let It Go Despite Powerful Evidence to the Contrary. Our stories – our inner dialogue- is /are powerful. Once we tell ourselves a story- it may be one handed down to us, or one we have come to believe- or desperately want to believe, that story will then drive our thoughts, feelings and actions. That is how we humans are built. Consider the stories you have bought into – do they still make sense? Are they accurate? Are they beneficial? What evidence have we manipulated, ignored, or altered to fit our narrative? Stories pack power. We need to question them for accuracy.
9. We Have Adopted a Fixed Mindset Rather than a Growth Mindset. When we have allowed habits ( of thought and action) to be solely how we function and we stop our inquisitive child like curiosity by squashing it, we often develop a closed or fixed mindset. You may recognize this in yourself or others when you think or hear phrases like, “that’s just the way it is”, or “this is the way we’ve always done it.” Or “this is the party I’ve always voted for”. With a fixed mindset we get entrenched in the status quo and we stop looking to identify real issues and creatively solve problems, be they related to work, relationships or issues affecting our country.
10. We Selectively Filter Information Paying Attention Only to What We Want to Hear and Ignore the Rest. This thinking habit allows us to not have to sit with the discomfort that some information appears incongruent, inconsistent, or even very wrong. We may hear or read information from someone that is trying to convince us of something, and if it is not in alignment with our conclusions or decisions, we will ignore or push away that gnawing feeling that something isn’t right. This can lead to much grief in our relationships, cause us to stay too long in relationships that are not good for us, and tear away at the fabric of our values, our health or even our nation.
The sad truth is most of us were never told or trained how to think well. We are stuck with the modeling we experienced ( we can only see actions and hear words, therefore cannot know what someone is actually thinking). Often the behaviors modeled were born out of “bad thinking.”
Think about the job of parents- most see their job as being the child’s rational, good thinking brain ( the prefrontal cortex) until their child’s brain is mature. So most kids get a hefty dose of do this / don’t do that. Rare is the parent who pauses long enough to help the child begin to practice critical thinking skills. And yet these skills are so essential.
Furthermore, we learn what behaviors are “normal” based on the people around us. If everyone around is telling or believing lies, we become prone to telling or believing lies. If the closest people around us are perpetuating myths, gossip or hearsay, we are likely to do the same.
This phenomenon of social contagion can also drive our thoughts, feelings and actions. Therefore, stepping back and really checking and questioning our own thinking becomes crucial.
Why are we not trained to think better? As mentioned, we often have parents or caregivers that were not critical thinkers- people who questioned their own thoughts and the world around them.
We don’t have “Thinking 101” classes offered in school or even in college. If someone knows of one please tell me… the exception may be students of philosophy, communication or psychology.
Though we cannot change our past; our upbringing, modeling, or the past ways our thinking may have been stuck on autopilot, we can begin NOW to engage our good thinking brain!
What we can do is look at the above 10 ways our thinking hurts us and keeps us stuck and begin to do the opposite.
Today you can begin to get honest with yourself-
Reignite your curiosity!!
Start questioning people, things, relationships and political candidates with eyes wide open, looking at the evidence of their words, their actual track record, their integrity ( if there is any to be found) and their character. Look at what they say, versus what they have done, or currently do. Is it congruent? Does it make sense?
Make time to engage in critical thinking: assessing, researching, weighing evidence of things and people as they are, not as you want them to be.
Question your stories. Are they keeping you stuck in a harmful relationship? Are they keeping you loyal to a company or boss that feels terrible to work for and /or a place that feels abusive to be in? Are they keeping you locked into a course of action because this is what is expected, or “how you’ve always done it.” Challenge those thoughts!
Question what you hear and take it at face value – not minimizing, justifying, or getting stuck on one issue or one piece of a much bigger picture. Don't ignore important evidence of contradictions or minimize bad behavior.
Identify your biases. Notice how they have driven your thoughts, and therefore your feelings and actions. Course correct where it is beneficial to do so.
Stop believing something just because you’ve heard it over and over again. That does NOT make it true, right, or even beneficial.
CRITICAL THINKING AND INCREASING OUR AWARENESS OF OUR OWN THOUGHTS AND STORIES IS CRUCIAL if we are going to have a life that brings us safety and joy.
You are worth being in a relationship with someone who does not harm you or make you feel badly about yourself.
You are worth working for someone who does not harm you or create a psychologically unsafe work environment.
And we all deserve to live in a country where our democracy is preserved and American citizens are still free to challenge their own thinking and that of others.
One in which we still have the freedom to vote and we’re not told how to think or what we should care about.
As you consider how your thinking is affecting your life, think about the value of true leaders who actually exist to serve and unite us rather than create divisions and strife. Think about that!
Let’s not take our very own command central ( our beautiful brains) for granted.
Today, Stop. Pause. Breathe… And challenge your thoughts.
Want to continue the conversation? Have some thoughts to share, questions or comments? Reach out at lesli@livewellkitsap.com
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