What does it mean to be accountable with our words? Are you someone who can easily say yes when you mean yes, and no when you truly need to say no?
Why can it be so difficult to tell someone no, when you know deep in your heart that you either do not want to do the thing they are asking, or you know you just don’t have the bandwidth to do it?
What about situations where someone- a spouse, an adult child, a boss- asks something of you that you know you ought not say yes but you find yourself saying yes anyway?
What does that feel like? What do you notice in your body when your brain is saying no, but your lips are saying yes?
In the mental health world, we call this incongruence or misalignment when we are not acting according to what we know is best for us. So why do we humans struggle with this?
Here are a few of the reasons we say yes when we really want (or ought) to say no.
We fear the other person will be mad at us or won’t like us. If we are basing decisions off fear, we will not likely stay true to ourselves and what we need or even what is in our best interest. People pleasing comes at a cost, and the cost is often our mental and physical health in expending energy we know we don’t have.
We fear loss of the relationship entirely. This can be true especially if we witnessed growing up one person in the home manipulating the other, and then withdrawing if the manipulator did not get what he wanted. This is a pattern that when witnessed repeatedly plants doubt and fear and motivates one to do what ever is asked to just keep the relationship.
We fear others ( friends, or family members) will find out and judge us if we are not saying yes to another friend or family member. We fear they will gossip about us. This often occurs in families who lack boundaries, who are not able to stand up for themselves and who gossip incessantly. This also can occur in friend circles where one or more people feel entitled to get what they want.
We fear being labeled mean or uncooperative if we say no. This can feel like we don’t have a choice when a boss makes a work request to once again work overtime or on a weekend where plans have already been made. This also occurs in friend circles and family dynamics; we fear being seen in a negative light.
We have been trapped in a cycle of manipulation from a spouse or other family member. We have become entrenched in just “trying to keep the peace” with someone who lacks emotional regulation, or someone that acts entitled -who believes they should have everything they want- that you have cooperated in giving it to them so maybe today they’ll behave decently.
Fear is a powerful motivator that can keep us stuck in negative patterns that become detrimental to our own health and wellbeing.
So, what can we do to step out of this negative, fear based cycle of behavior? How do we begin to give a yes that we mean and follow through with, and also give a good no when needed?
Start with increasing Self Awareness. This means taking time to notice what this feels like. Then create a pause between the time someone in your world makes a request of you, and before you give an answer. The pause buys you time to really think through if this request is something you feel good about saying yes to; if you have the time, energy and willingness to give of your time or talent to this person.
Use the “60 Second Rule” before responding. Now you have taken a pause, but be sure that when you have been given the request, you begin the habit of telling the person that you will need time to think about their request and you will get back with them in… (60 seconds, 5 minutes, an hour, or a day…. In other words, in your timing!) Be sure to communicate when they can expect your answer back.
Set Appropriate Boundaries. This means we do not ever let someone else whine, manipulate or coerce us into saying yes. Period. We train our ( boss, coworkers, spouse, teenagers, young children) that whining, or manipulating gets them nothing. Do not allow manipulative behavior to be how people get their needs met. (I have seen this pattern in many families and it is not pretty or healthy for anyone.)
Learn to Value You- your time and talents. Remind yourself that you have a choice of who and what to say yes to and who, what and when to say no.
Practice doing Body Scans in your Pause space. Our bodies give us so many clues if we will just slow down and listen. When doing your body scan, start with slow deep relaxed breaths, in through your nose, and exhale out your mouth. Then start with your head, face and neck and simply notice any sensations and muscle tightness as you continue to breathe and scan your body part by part. Do this twice- first imagining saying yes to someone… and then do the scan imagining you have said no. Without judgement, just simply observe what you notice.
Remind yourself that initially learning to give a good no will also feel uncomfortable at first. You will need to remind yourself that you are using a “muscle” you are not used to using- your No muscle! It will also be important to remind yourself you cannot control what others will do or say, but you can control taking care of yourself physically, emotionally and mentally.
Learning to set boundaries can feel incredibly overwhelming for some, especially if you did not see boundaries modeled in your family of origin. If you have been involved with family or friends that also lack boundaries, it can feel daunting.
Sometimes professional help from a mental health provider can go a long way to help you think, feel and respond differently so that you can break destructive cycles that are detrimental to your own health and wellbeing.
Be willing to seek out help if you believe it is needed to help you begin to advocate for yourself so that your Yes can be a well thought out and genuine yes, and your No, can be said with confidence. Learning to give a good No, is essential to healthy living.
Want to learn more or continue the conversation? Go to www.livewellkitsap.com/mind-your-health to find health professionals that can help you.
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You can also reach out at lesli@livewellkitsap.com
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