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Writer's pictureLesli Dullum Taylor

Learning to Grieve Well 

Grief is often misunderstood in our culture.  In fact, there are many people who operate as though grief is only necessary if someone we love passes from this earth.  Even then, there are those who believe that there is a certain acceptable time frame to grieve and then the bereaved need to get on with their lives.

 

The truth of the matter is grief is messy.  It does not follow rules, or abide by someone else’s time line or expectations.  And its not just something we need to do when someone dies.

 

I have heard well intentioned but misinformed people say to a friend or loved one that it’s been x amount of time,and then proceeds to tell them what they SHOULD do- date again, or go back to work, take up a hobby or get a new dog.

 

The problem is grief is not one dimensional. it affects every area of our lives; physically, emotionally, mentally, relationally, spiritually, and more.

 

 People often follow ideas or myths regarding how to grieve based on what we think we are supposed to do. Others respond as they do because  of a should voice in our head that drives  behavior.

 

Some myths I hear often:

 

“I can’t cry in front of ____ , I need to be strong.”

 

“So and so would have wanted me to not cry, so I just hold it in.”

 

“It’s been a year so I guess I should start dating again.”

 

“If I cry or show emotion then that will make _____ ( daughter, mother, friend etc. ) cry and be sad and I don’t want to do that.”

 

The reality is that experiencing  grief involves  many strong emotions.  Our vessels, that is our bodies, are not designed to contain that much emotion.  Which means… that when we stuff these very powerful and overwhelming emotions thinking that we are better off to do so, it takes a toll on our physical, mental and emotional health and wellbeing.

 

Additionally, grief is not limited to only when a loved one passes. 

 

Sometimes we need to grieve other things, people and situations:

 

The loss of a job/ career / business we loved.

 

The loss of a neighbor who moved away.

 

The loss of a dream that did not come to fruition.

 

The loss of how we imagined our life to be by a certain age.

 

The loss of the use of body parts that don’t work the way they used to.

 

The loss of our health or ability to have energy and do the things we like.

 

The loss of a special someone, a friendship or a marriage that did not work out.

 

 

All of these and more can elicit powerful feelings that we need to allow ourselves time and space to experience – in other words making time and safe space to grieve.

 

 

Here’s some ideas to dispel the myths of grief and get back on track with your grief process and your life.

 

1.        Make Time and Safe Space on a Regular Basis.  You might even set  appointments with yourself to take alone time: time for walks, to cry,  to journal, or to recall fond memories.  Whatever you might need that time for, intentionally set it aside.

2.        Be Kind and Compassionate to yourself.  We are built with the capacity to both feel extreme sadness and to come through it and persevere.  Just because you feel like curling up in the fetal position, does not mean you will stay there forever.  And the sooner you begin to experience emotion vs. stuff it, the better it will likely go for you.

3.        Get Comfortable with Discomfort.  It is human nature to want to move toward pleasure and away from pain, so rarely does one look forward to the grief process.  It is however necessary.  The sooner you recognize that it is normal and natural to try to distract yourself or find ways to feel better but also choose to experience the sadness, the sooner you will likely heal and find acceptance.  Show yourself some compassion and learn to sit with the discomfort.

4.        Give Yourself Permission to be on your own Timetable.  Someone else may not understand the impact of your loss and that is ok. Your job is to recognize what you may need in a given moment.  Ask for what you need and create time to grieve in ways that are necessary and feel healing  to you.

5.        Understand that the Grief Process goes through Stages that are not Linear.  You might feel intense sadness, or denial, or regret.  Then you may have a few days of feeling like you accept the loss- but  the next day you feel sad or depressed. That is the messiness of grief.  Be kind. Be patient. Be compassionate. 

6.        Chase the Negative Self Talk Away.  When you hear that voice telling you to be strong, remind yourself that others in your midst need permission to grieve also.  That is easier to do when people see others grieving.  Recognize grieving as a normal part of life.  Experience it in a way that works for you.  And give others time and space to grieve in the ways that they might need as well.  Be aware of the old messages that you may be acting out from.  Discard the messages that do not serve you. Replace the judgy thoughts with accurate and compassionate thoughts.

7.        Lean into Safe and Supportive People.   Whether you decide to lean into the support of a couple close friends, or join a grief support group, you do not have to be on this journey alone.  Reach out to community and find the people and resources you need to help you get through this tough time.

 

 

Acting on the myth of “being strong for others” is often correlated with increased anxiety and / or depression.  Again, we are not designed to bottle up these strong emotions.  Remind yourself that being fully human means experiencing a wide range of emotion.  It’s ok to let children know, “mommy is feeling sad right now, and that’s ok. I won’t always feel like this and you won’t either. But for now, let’s be sad together.”  That gives others, especially children, permission to experience their emotion rather than denying it. 

 

That allows everyone to get through the grief process supporting one another rather than one person ( or more)  paying the high price of “being strong.”

 

If your grief seems to evolve into a prolonged and /or severe depression and your ability to function is compromised,  please seek mental health help. You do not have to walk this journey alone.

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