When someone we love does something we don’t like, or conversely, does not do something we wish they did, we often not only notice what they did or did not do, but we ascribe meaning to it.
In other words, there’s an emotion tied to the event that we often personalize.
For example, if we notice a friend or relative is late, we don’t just notice that 15 minutes have gone by and they are not yet present. We tend to add meaning or interpretation to the event. We might say things like, Susie is late because she doesn’t care about anyone else.
We might think, our child failed the test because he does not care enough to study.
She did not make my coffee this morning because she’s self absorbed.
He does not initiate a date night because he only cares about himself.
Do you see where this is going?
We don’t just notice what has occurred, but we add interpretations of WHY that person behaved the way they did.
The problem with this of course, is that our interpretations of someone else’s behavior and our conclusions that we’ve attached to their actions, may or may not be accurate.
This is where we begin to get into relational trouble. Because often the way we “color” an event is through the lens of our own experiences, and often our own woundedness.
The reality is Susie may be late because she does not plan her time well, or perhaps has difficulty staying on task to arrive on time because she is neurodivergent.
A child not doing well on exams may have test anxiety and therefore is not able to do well until they get help to treat their anxiety.
It could be that a partner has a hesitancy of planning a date night for fear that they won’t get it right, that you will be upset if it is not perfect, or they miss an important detail, so doing nothing feels safer.
In other words, just because we form a conclusion about why someone does or does not do something does not mean we get it right.
Where this really begins to be problematic, is that our conclusions result in our feelings…
He won’t initiate a date night so that must mean he does not love me …(evokes feelings of being unloved and uncared for.)
I’m a terrible parent because my kid is failing in school…(evokes feeling inadequate)
She must not care enough about me to be on time… ( evokes feelings of not being important.)
Our conclusions and interpretations ( how we color events) help us to make sense of our world, experience predictability, and help us to find meaning. However, when we forget to be open minded and curious we can find ourselves going down an unnecessary road of stress ( distress) and relational difficulty much more frequently.
What if we simply noticed other’s behaviors and choices, and remained open and curious rather than leap to conclusions about their “Why” that may or may not be accurate?
In this way we can invite a healthy element into our relationships- especially if we are able to take it one step further, and that is where we openly ask more questions as well as share our feelings.
We can own that we feel, sad, confused, hurt, or unloved and then ask questions to be curious.
It might sound like,” I’m feeling uncared for because you have not initiated a date night for us. It makes me feel unloved and unimportant. I am curious about why that isn’t happening and wondering if you would share what that is about for you.”
A parent might say, “ I’m feeling confused and concerned about why you are not passing your exams at school. I am wondering if you have an idea what this is about and if you are willing to talk about it.”
Since our thoughts ( and conclusions) motivate our feelings, and our feelings often provoke our actions, this is one relational dynamic that is really important to pay attention to.
We can learn to shift this habit of immediately forming conclusions that may or may not be accurate, by simply practicing noticing, without labeling.
When you catch yourself attaching a conclusion, stop, pause, breathe and ask yourself if you will choose to be open minded and not attempt to know "with certainty" why someone did what they did.
Slow down and be open to the possibilities. Consider how you are feeling- not just what the person did. Own your thoughts, feelings and needs and approach the person to share feelings and ask any questions to glean the truth only when you are feeling calm.
Only when we stay open and curious about others can our relationships flourish, and we can benefit by enjoying a lot less stress.
Want to continue the conversation? Have some thoughts, experiences, or ideas about this topic? Send them directly to lesli@livewellkitsap.com.
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