By Lesli Dullum Taylor, Certified Counselor, Certified Brain Health Coach
You might think loving yourself ought to come easy. But, consider how often you look in the mirror through a critical lens that sees another wrinkle, pimple, or hot mess staring back at you. Sometimes we can be our own worst critic. Where does that come from?
For many of us there came a time where we started comparing ourselves to others and somehow determined that we fell short. Perhaps you had a critical perfectionistic parent who was living vicariously through you. Some parents inadvertently use their children’s accomplishments to feel good about themselves or gain admiration from others.
It does not help that we live in a culture that highly prizes youth, beauty, performance and achievement. Social media has elevated this to new heights. Now it’s literally in our face daily, so we have more people to measure ourselves against. So many opportunities to have a negative view of oneself. If this describes you at all, you do not have to be stuck with these negative thoughts and feelings. In fact, you can learn to chase all those self condemning, devaluing thoughts away and become your own best cheerleader!
This will be a process and something you will need to practice. We know it is possible because of neuroplasticity; the brain’s ability to form new neural pathways. You are not stuck with the brain (and thoughts) you have. I know this because I’ve walked this journey before as well. I used to be the shy kid with a gangly body, frizzy hair and an overbite sitting in the back of the class, hoping no one would notice me. My negative self- talk was pretty harsh.
Here’s a beginning road map for your journey to self- love:
1. STOP COMPARING YOURSELF TO OTHERS. This habit really does not serve us at all. When we start to remember that we are created as a one -of- a -kind, talented, beautiful, unique soul, with our own beauty and strengths, we can put our time, energy and focus where it needs to be.
2. LOOK IN THE MIRROR AND FIND ONE THING YOU LOVE ABOUT YOURSELF. Find something you admire about your physical body, the way you dress, the kindness you show others… Identify and acknowledge it out loud. Repeat the next day, and the next.
3. CATCH THE NEGATIVE SELF TALK WHEN IT HAPPENS. THEN TURN THAT THOUGHT UPSIDE DOWN INTO A TRUTH STATEMENT. If your negative self-loathing thought sounds something like “I’m not going to succeed at …” then turn it around to” I can succeed at …”
4. QUESTION YOUR THOUGHTS. Our thoughts influence how we feel and which hormones are flowing through our body. When we think self -deprecating thoughts, we are likely to induce stress hormones which make us feel tense, irritable or moody. When we think accurate or encouraging thoughts, we can ignite happy hormones like serotonin and dopamine that make us feel good.
5. CONGRATULATE AND CELEBRATE YOURSELF LIKE YOU WOULD A GOOD FRIEND WHO ACCOMPLISHED SOMETHING GREAT. It might sound like an internal” Whew hooooo”, or, you might say aloud, “good job, I did it!”. If this is too hard to do initially, refer to yourself in 3rd person; “Look what Luca did, yay for her!!!”
6. SHOW YOURSELF SOME LOVE. Consider the people, places and things that bring you joy and remind you that you matter. Whether you seek out a monthly massage or facial, or adventure in nature weekly, do the things that remind you to take care of yourself.
7.IF YOU ARE SPIRITUAL OR RELIGIOUS, REMIND YOURSELF WHO MADE YOU, WHO SEES YOU AND WHO LOVES YOU UNCONDITIONALLY. That serves to refresh us that God made us and He doesn’t mess around. He knows your value and worth because He created you and therefore when you value yourself and treat yourself accordingly, you are acknowledging the blessing of your life, who you are and who He created. You are loved unconditionally.
Ultimately, it is a choice to fully love and care for yourself. While we may have
family, friends or partners who care for us, the reality is they will care for us imperfectly. Remind yourself of your value and worth regardless of how someone else treats you.
This Valentine’s day, whether partnered or single, celebrate you! Pour into yourself some well deserved love. When you focus on loving yourself first it will overflow out to others.
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