Do You Practice Forgiveness?

I have heard from many clients who have been hurt or harmed in some way from another human, utter the words, “ I just can’t forgive him.”

In fact, many of these people have been harboring angry feelings for years from offenses in some cases so long ago they have a hard time even remembering what the offense was.

For those who have been hurt deeply, physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually, financially, and /or relationally, forgiveness can seem like an elusive thing that is completely out of reach.

Additionally, there are many myths around the issue of forgiveness. 

“If I forgive him, then he’ll think what he did was ok.”

“If I forgive her, then she’ll think that I’m totally fine and I’m not.”

“If I forgive them, then they will think that they can do again what they did to me”.         

“I’m not ready to forgive them, I don’t feel like it.”                 

We often believe that somehow if we forgive it will hurt us, and/or we must FEEL ready to forgive before we can actually do it.

The reality is that choosing to forgive is just that- a choice.  It is not a feeling.  In fact, I’m certain that hardly anyone would forgive anyone for anything if they waited until they “felt like it”. 

So where does that leave us when it comes to forgiving ourselves and /or others?

First, consider if you are trying to forgive yourself vs. forgiving another. Sometimes we can be our own worst critic and we find self forgiveness to be very difficult. This often occurs for people who tend to be very hard on themselves.

Yet others  more readily forgive themselves then forgive someone else.

We humans can often justify our own misjudgments, mistakes, errors or omissions, but then be a harsh critic toward others.    

Either way, whether you are working towards forgiving yourself or someone else, here’s a few things to keep in mind.  

First, let’s dispel a few myths.

Forgiveness is often not a one and done- it needs to be practiced again and again.

Forgiveness does not ever mean what the other person did was okay

Forgiveness does not mean that you still don’t have to set boundaries or that everything can go back to “normal.”

Forgiveness can only happen if the person does ___. ( apologizes, makes amends etc.)

Some of you may have heard the old adage that it just hurts yourself when you don’t forgive, and that the other person isn’t really affected. Of course, that will vary from person to person and situation to situation.  

What happens to us when we choose not to forgive?  For the vast majority, there will most certainly be a consequence ( or affect ).

1. When we chronically feel angry and stay in a position of unforgiveness, physiologically we are more likely to experience surges of stress hormones when we think about the person and /or what they did.  Over time that adds up to a lot of extra stress.

2. We may experience a continuation of anger which can age us faster, affect our immune system, and cause us to be increasingly unhappy or discontent.
   

3. We may unnecessarily lose a relationship that could be saved with honesty,  and forgiveness. 

Who is the act of forgiveness for?  First and foremost, it is for you. Secondarily letting someone who has harmed you know they are forgiven may feel restorative and life giving to them – provided that they are capable of being a caring human being. In other words they genuinely care that they hurt you. And it can feel pretty great for you too.

What are the benefits of choosing forgiveness?

1. It can feel incredibly calming and freeing to surrender the feelings of anger, and unforgiveness.  Many have described it as “ a weight lifted from them.”

2. You free yourself from the burden of hanging on to the past in a way that has kept you from living fully, finding joy, and controlling what is yours to control.

3. If you are a spiritual or religious person, you may be reminded that God forgives and reminds us to forgive others as He forgives  our transgressions.  There is a strong spiritual aspect to forgiveness. 

4. Forgiveness can transform relationships.  If the person you forgive is yourself, you can begin a different relationship you have with yourself- perhaps cultivating one that is kinder and gentler.  If you are forgiving someone else, if the person is generally psychologically safe, you have opportunity to enhance the relationship by sharing feelings and offering forgiveness that can help you forge ahead in a new way.

Once we truly realize that forgiveness is an act we do with intention, and that the benefits physically, emotionally, and spiritually are many, we may be more likely to think about forgiveness in a new light.

 We can take the pressure off when we recognize we don’t have to wait for the other person to do anything- we can make the choice to forgive today regardless of how we are feeling.